::Hmmm... More and more people would know of this site and more and more people would know of the comments I gave Terence and gang. Even Nadj was telling me that he's disappointed. Hah. Everyone thought I changed? Yes I did change, on the outside. You can't kill an expressive voice and a critical mind, all you can do is to curb the expressive side of it. That's what I've been doing for the past few months, years. Curbing the expressive side.

When I got this blog, I was expressing and saying everything to this blog. Didn't bother to edit my mistakes or change anything, because I kept this strictly to the individuals I would share this blog with. When Uncle Stamford appeared, I had his agreement to not spread the blog I had. I even changed my blog address thrice, to prevent some anonymous spammer from irritating me.

Then came last Wednesday, 4th August. Leewen and Lawrence came along with Jermyn and started insulting me before me 2.4 km test. The one which I remember "fondly" of was that shit comes out from my mouth, therefore the rest of the shit gathers up in my butt, that's why it's so big. If you say I have no shame to tell everyone this, then I have no shame. For I leave you to judge yourself.

First, I was puzzled, for I had no idea why they were talking like that to me. Until Boon asked me about my blog. Obviously I was horrified, shocked, dumbfounded, stupefied. A simple question appeared, "How the fuck did they even know it?". But I hadn't remembered my entries so I was still pondering on why they got pissed off. My blood was already getting to the boiling temperature as I started to jog. I had hoped my anger would help me run, but instead it had impeded. And halfway through the run, I realised I had made some comments on the blog about the arrangement... And kind of decided it was that which had caused such opinions and comments to start.

Upon reaching home, I read through my blog, to find the entry and words there. I had not remember it well, for I had never meant it, let alone let other people read it. I thought I had privacy over here so I just let go of everything and just typed whatever I thought then and there. It never occured to me that my words would be harsh IF someone within the group had come along. Why? It was never meant to be read, other than by my closest friends.

Sorry I don't want to post it up here for it'll just stir sentiments once again and cause biasness in judging. Yes the words were harsh, the opinions were insulting. But it was in a feeling of annoyance. And GREAT. What happened? I had people coming to me insulting me for something I never meant. Of course I should've held my tongue. To what? My own PRIVATE journal?

Then came comments from all kinds of people. I know I've been irritating in the past, I've been working to change my outward appearance. Yes, I may think badly of everything and everyone at first, but that's instinct. You can't expect me to change instinct can you? I've been trying to get on good terms and see the good in everyone. Yes there are a few exceptions but I'm still in the midst of trying aren't I? ONE comment of anger, in a space where I thought is mine and mine alone, had caused such a destruction to my work. Who do you think is feeling more hurt? Who do you think is feeling a bigger agony and insult?

There were two reasons why the blog was even released, as in two bigger possibilities. There were spammers on my blog who already obviously didn't like me, and I was trying to chase them away, to no avail. Perhaps I should've shooed them or get rid of them, and that's what I tried to do by changing blog address and such, but obviously it failed. The spammers might've taken this chance to try to ruin me. Yes, well done if you are aiming to do that. But my pride still stands, morons. I hadn't done much wrong. Only in expressing and reacting to instinct. If it wasn't the spammers, it would've been one friend who I trust. Now I have no idea who, and no idea why. Perhaps I trust too easily? But no... I gave it to very few. Or could it be that one of you people stumbled onto my blog and started spreading it? Sorry but if so, you should be ashamed of yourself, for not only have you read my private blog, you had spread it, well knowing it's private, being that I had written on the very first entry.

That's the aggravating part, I have no idea who is working at hand, or who betrayed me. No words of apology and no signs of who.

If you still want to point fingers at me and curse me for being human. Go ahead. You're human too. You might laugh at that, saying that it's my own stupidity in writing in a blog which isn't LOCKED, but think about it, it's blogspot, and I wouldn't exactly expect someone to pry into everyone's secrets would I? If so the person should be shot for being a witch.

Think about it.

Again, I apologise for the malicious and unfair comments. It was in a fit of anger and annoyance that I had commented so. Hope you understand, and I wouldn't do such a thing anymore. I hadn't really meant it.
::

.:Seow Yi Zhe blogged on 8/10/2004 10:17:00 PM:.
...